Monday, May 22

Don't Worry Be Happy

Got a lot on my mind these days making it nearly impossible to think about anything else. Major life crap, major headaches, major heartache...all just crippling. Makes me not want to think or talk about anything, just silence.

Along with all this crap, there is one thing that has been swirling around in my head for the past few weeks and it is the topic of happiness. I think for a 30 something single mom, I am not really in a place I ought to be. I haven't followed the plan I made for myself way back in my late teens, that's for sure. I know, I was way too young then to actually predict how things would go but I think every has a notion about how they would expect things to go. Or at least a guideline of sorts. Well, life didn't go the way I planned. Max happened. And I don't "blame" him for the course of my life at all, I think it just completely changed outlook on the path.

Way back before Max, I was that overachieving child who went out of their way to get attention, to be "involved" in school. I had my first job at 13 and never stopped working. I had a million ideas and plans in college and rebelled against my parents to do what I dreamed. I guess you could say I was a "go-getter". That's what made me happy, being constantly busy, working on a thousand things at once, trying to be the best at everything.

Then Max.

Everything changed for me. I appreciated the little things. Loved all the things that I had taken for granted for years. Didn't mind not working like a nut at all, actually loved it. I just wanted to be at home all the time. I wanted to do nothing. It has pretty much been that way since.

What makes me happy now is the most important thing in my life. And for me, it is being a mom, I just love that. Having fun with my family and appreciating them. Working less! I love working school hours. Getting together with friends once a month, in the past I sucked as a friend. Scrapbooking, as silly as it seems. Making dinner at home and knowing that the kid likes it. Teaching the boy something he has been struggling in school with for months. Working my SU! business and barely making a dime. Curling up in bed to watch Lost with Max and it being our thing. I love all this and it makes me happy.

At my ten year high school reunion, which I did not want to attend (and shouldn't have), I remember this girl who was a total yotch in high school coming up to me to chat. She went on and on about her fiance and downtown job for what seemed like an eternity. Then she turned and asked, "and you?" I told her and I will never forget her response, "that's it?" Since then, I have run into other people from the past and heard this same response 4 more times.

So, this leads me to ask myself, "Have I let myself down? Is happiness not as important as I am envisioning and should I just grow-up already?"
I don't know, just trying to figure everything out and find a new path that isn't as conventional as mine once was.


Mimi said...

No, you haven't let yourself down at all.

You are an awesome mom, an amazing scrapbooker, a hardworking individual and an entrepeneur (sp?)

Greta Adams said...

Just because you haven't done anything "spectacular" you have blessings that most people cannot understand...i wish myself i could go back and change a few things but this is what was inteneded for me so i just take it and move on...hold you head up girl...your great


Just Me said...

max...that's the best thing you've ever done...just remember that...

Anonymous said...

i have to agree with every one here!!! have you asked those people if they are happy with what they do? if they have enough time for their children? for their loves and passions?

but you do! you are doing what makes YOU happy. it might not make your siblings, neighbors, high school friends happy, but it makes you happy. and that's all that matters!

you rock!